The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
