so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
