I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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