I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
