Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
