He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
