we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
