Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
