I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
please come you make the beer taste better
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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