i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
