the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
