watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize