Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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