Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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