I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
