whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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