Sponge bath it is.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
