someone get that fucking seahorse.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
