On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
