we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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