Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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