Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
