I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
