if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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