I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize