Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize