I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My balls are so social today.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize