You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
