update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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