I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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