I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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