So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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