I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
one might say we're banned from that church
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
