man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize