I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
