Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You are the jesus of drinking
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
