I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Semen is not good for contacts.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
