I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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