do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
