I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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