when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
