i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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