I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
