And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize