also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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