i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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