I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
