Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
