and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
