so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
