i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
And then he peed in my hair
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
