No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
