I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize