Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
